A. Well Al I personally find this question insulting and offensive. There is never a sense of embarrassment within the team because we know we are the best team. And it isn’t frustrating because if we wanted to win that bad we wouldn’t show up half drunk to the tournament. If we gave 100% every tournament we would have UCLA’d all of you pussies... But with all that being said the Goon Squad has talked within the confines of the team and we have decided that we will in fact be guaranteeing a championship this year. For the 5th straight year we feel like we carry a dangerous roster and will not lose a game this tournament. And yes we will be drunk.
Q. What
adjustments are you guys making this year?
A. Well over the past couple Paloozas
we have seen that hitting is a weak point with the team. We are known for
usually having a “black hole” somewhere in our lineup. Last years training with
Ryan Braun clearly didn’t pay off. So this year we have been training
extensively with Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire. We heard through multiple
sources that fast pitching has been banned in Palooza. If anyone tries to throw
fast against us we want everyone to know that they will be inciting a riot. We
are not scared to fight anyone. Especially the MONSTARS.
Q. This year’s
tournament is for a cash prize. How does that affect focus and preparation?
A. The
cash prize is extremely exciting and is actually going to motivate the Goonies
to play for a championship this year. In previous year we have been known to
give anywhere between 30-50% effort. This year we hope to give at max 70%
effort. If that happens, we will not lose a game. The money we win will be
spent on beer for next year’s tournament, when we show up drunk and beat all of
you again.
Q. The Monstars
predicted victory last year, and delivered. As a bold predictor yourself, any
shrewd words this year?
A. Yes, Commissioner Dick Cheese, our predictions for this
year are in. The Goonies will win every game on average by 10 runs. Our
pitching will keep the opponent’s batting average under .100. The monstars may
have predicted a championship last year correctly, but they through heat. If
they throw heat this year Jeff will charge the mound and beat Kramers ass. We
put Jeff through extensive gym training this year just to beat Kramers ass if
he throws heat. Bench PR’s – 235, decline – 275 for 3 reps, incline pressed 100
lb dumbbells for 5 reps. Clears the YMCAs machine for tricep pulldowns for 6
reps. Can shoulder press Kramer. Intakes 375 grams of protein per day and takes
14 shits per day. Throw heat you fuck with the realist. You don’t wanna do
that. We got thugs in this locker room if you throw heat we bring out the body
bags.
Q. You are
arguably the 2nd best offensive player in the history of the game. How much
would it mean to win a title for the only organization you’ve ever known?
A. Ive been chasing a title for years and this
year is looking bright for the organization. As long as none of you pussies
pull some slick shit the Goonies will make a playoff appearance and prolly win.
Personal acheivements mean nothing without that chip.
Q. This
tournament continues to be successful year after year. As it’s reach spreads,
what’s one way you think the tournament could be better promoted?
A. The monstars
throwing heat is completely unacceptable. Yes we realize this question was
disregarded but it is irrelevant.
Q. What are your
thoughts on possibly having teams from other parts of the country come in and
play in Wifflepalooza? Do you think a team of all stars could beat the palooza
all stars?
A. Prolly the fuck not son.
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