Wifflepalooza XVIII Media Day Quotes

 Today was the annual Wifflepalooza Media Day. Press from all 50 states and 18 countries world wide were in attendance to meet the teams and gather quotes and comments prior to this year's tournament. Below, are the general opening statements from each of the 6 teams in this year's tournament, as well as a state-of-the-league address from the Commissioner.

TIM DURANTE, OWNER, PRESIDENT & CAPTAIN OF PA PORK MISSILES

Pork missiles are coming back this year with one thing in mind. Championship. Last year’s rule changes moving the mound back played a difference in our approach and it appears that rule may have been made to benefit one team and one team only.

Nevertheless, we have made proper adjustments and look forward to competing Returning to the lineup is Brandon McCullough aka Run BMC, whose bat will be gladly placed back where it belongs. Much needed this season as both Kevin Glynn and Jody Durante will not be in attendance. We look forward to hitting home runs only. Couple squad mates had a wiffle ball game in July and the ball was flying out of the yard. Used the yellow bats so we can focus more on finding that sweet spot.

In other news Bryce Harper was extended an invite and has respectfully declined until that guy stops using knives to scuff the ball. Expect an appeal. As a team Ballbag has made a request. He wants to make sure that the goondingos are prepared to cupp his ballbag around the bases (both hands) for each and every homerun he hits, which we expect to be often. Year 4, here we go

 

JEFF RONCHETTI, OWNER, CHAIRMAN AND CAPTAIN OF GOONDINGOS

First, we'd like to thank Commissioner Fredo Etter for the opportunity to address the league. We feel that most of the league doesn't see our tweets, so we need this platform to put everyone on notice.

First up, injury updates: as many of you know, 1pac O'Hennessy has been battling debilitating knee injuries for two years now. Last season, he played with little more than his foreskin holding his knee together. This offseason, he underwent multiple surgeries to correct the issue. Thanks to the experimental and not recommended for human consumption healing compound BPC-157, he's found a path to return to the field this year. He has updated ownership on his availability and WILL be able to play. Another injury, previously kept under wraps, is to RHP Jeff Ronchetti's throwing shoulder. This issue has plagued him for months leading up to the tournament. Again, with the help of experimental healing compounds, he is ready to take the mound and aim for the Cy Young award.

Next, we’d like to highlight the improvement of 1pac O'Hennessy, from top prospect to budding All-Star. We believe he has not only been snubbed but has also heavily improved his game this offseason. After reviewing footage of the final out of the championship game posted on MLW's Twitter account, 1pac had an epiphany: his years of training came together, and he realized he drops his elbow for no apparent reason when he swings. This led to a final surgery this offseason to overhaul his swing. Our hitting coach, Hall of Famer Marky Smalls, has had 1pac studying slow-motion swings of left-handed batters like Kyle Schwarber, Bryce Harper, Ken Griffey Jr., and Shohei Ohtani for 3 hours per day since March. We feel 1pac is poised for a career year, and he has stated that this will be his "most aggressive" year despite his knee recovery.

We've been dealt a difficult schedule: Goodfellas, Bert Brigade, Pork Missiles, Ironballs. We see no reason we won't be heading back to the postseason this year. Last year, we broke Bert before they unraveled and left the field during their final game. We know we're in their heads. We've had close games with the Goodfellas and Ironballs, and we expect nothing less this year. We know we have a target on our back, whether due to our achievements last year or because other teams consider us an easier game on their schedule.

We're coming off one of the tournament's all-time great Cinderella stories, falling just short of winning the title. With another year of training under Hutch's belt, we guarantee a return to his early years’ form on the mound, setting us up with one of the best rotations in the league. The loss of Gumbo Martini sent shockwaves through our organization. This guy comes back after 4-5 years off, posts a 1.397 OPS, then promptly leaves again. Gumbo, if you see this, go fuck yourself. He has once again left his wiffleball career to participate in the prestigious golf championship, the Hackers of Mercer Oak Invitational, better known as the HOMO Invitational.

Given our recent batting history, this loss leaves huge shoes to fill. We've brought in 32-year-old rookie Connor Viglianti to solidify the lineup and provide relief on the mound. Connor, a lifetime baseball enthusiast and player, will shine bright, but perhaps not as bright as his greatest talent—drinking lukewarm piss beer. He's a player who embodies everything the Dangos stand for and is all but a lock to receive Rookie of the Year.

My quotes in prior years have been disregarded by Commissioner Etter as 'usual nothingburgers,' but last year, most of them came true with a rekindled passion for the game by the alcoholics known as the Goondingos, and a new organization-wide batting philosophy that elevated the team offensively by getting guys on base for the best hitters on the team.

In summation, nobody hangs dong like a Dango, and go fuck yourselves.

 ROCCO LOMBARDO: LIEUTENANT, BARONE SANITATION: CHAIRMAN & PRESIDENT OF GOODFELLAS

For us, to live any other way was nuts. To us, those goody-good people who built shitty teams for bum run counts and took an Uber to the tournament every year, worried about their bills, were dead. I mean, they were suckers. They had no balls.

If we wanted something, we just took it. If anyone talked shit twice, they got beat so bad, believe me, they never opened their mouth again. It's either blue cheese or go fuck your mother.

ALLEN CRUZ, PRESIDENT & GENERAL MANAGER OF IRONBALLS

Having to watch from our seats at home as another team filled in for us only left us hungrier and anxious to get back in this year. With 4 rookies and two major pieces returning in The Wiff and The Wiff JR we hope to reestablish the standard we’ve set since our inception.

As captain of the Ironballs and having played in this tournament and won before, past experiences tells me we have what it takes to compete and make it through this gauntlet of a schedule. We don’t expect to shy away from any challenge and expect to jump out the gate guns blazing. We’re back and fully reloaded, there will be dingers and beers at every turn.

We’re glad to be back it’s going to be one hell of tourney and as for the reigning champ Flapacs? We’re fucking coming for you game 1. Stay ready, you ain’t got to get ready!”

TAYLOR CHELI, OWNER & GENERAL MANAGER OF BERT BRIGADE

The team is under new management and with incoming rookies we're looking to make a statement. We want to play in honor of Jake Hatki, who is on the injured list this year. We're looking to get back into the playoffs for the 6th time in 7 years with the best two pitchers in the game. 

JAKE LAMBERT, LIMITED PARTNER & CHARIMAN OF FLAPACAMINGOS

Honestly, I can’t believe I still have to get up here and talk to you people year after year. I should be grandfathered in the way old people can still use old timey perjoratives and people just shrug their shoulders. I hear all the comments from these other teams and mostly I just want to ignore them. They’re nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum, totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.

They don’t seem to understand, that we don’t give a fuck about them. Beyond that, I’m giving you folks nothing. I won’t be giving away any of our team’s strategy to our opponents. The fact is we still return the esteemed Ryan “La Flama Blanca” Ricci, and between that, myself who by the way is the only other member of our team who’s won an MVP for the Flapacs, and the rest of the team that Al has assembled for us, that should be enough.

The only thing I know for sure that I’ve ever learned in this tournament, is to embrace the chaos and hit the shit out of the ball. No other advice is needed. And if you haven’t figured that out yet you’re playing this tournament wrong.

 AL ETTER, COMMISSIONER OF MAJOR LEAUGE WIFFLEBALL

Opening Statement

Once again, I thank you all for being here. This is our premier event for the season and a lot of time and effort go into this from a lot of people and I want to thank them as well. This event, as you may know, has grown from 1 field in a backyard, to less than 2 decades later, almost 300 participants have come through this event and our results are broadcast worldwide to every civilized country on earth. Our champions are legendary, our feats historic, and our work in the community unparalleled. I am proud to lead this event and organization into the future. I'll now open it up to questions.

Q: Has there been any thought to re-expanding to more than 6 teams?

A: At this time no. Unfortunately, the only discernable disadvantage we've faced recently is the shrinking of our available footprint. Simply, we don't feel that we comfortably have the room or available labor resources to construct and maintain a 3rd field again at this time. Plus, we like our current format.

Q: You mentioned footprint, and the current traditional site is great, but has there ever been any thought to moving the tournament to another location?

A: In reality, no. We love the Willie J Huff Complex and have no tangible plans to discard it. If anything, the most realistic scenario is investing further into the complex to make it more accessible and modern for our teams and fans. I think in a best-case-win-the-lottery-hypothetical situation, sure. We'd tour this thing all over the country. We'd invest in digital platforms, spread this thing out and make it like the Super Bowl or Final Four. I don't see how that would necessarily be lucrative long term, but you never know. But again, that's a totally hypothetical and off-the table idea.

Q: Investing in this has been another topic of discussion nationally. What, if any, steps or ideas can you share about what may be coming?

A: Again in reality, for this year, there's nothing new on the table. You'll see we did invest some resources to improve the mound/dirt areas at the complex and we expect that to make a difference for the players. We discuss every year things that may be needed and new ideas. It's a rolling evaluation constantly. Resources have been limited this year, that should be no secret. We know some of our structures and facilities will likely need an upgrade next year, we're aware of that obviously and expect to address that.

Q: It's pretty widely known that some teams have, subtly or otherwise, expressed concern with some of the decisions this office has made regarding rule changes and policies that have been allowed. Can you speak to those concerns and offer anything in the way of reassurance.

A: I'm not sure what "re-assurance" would be needed, other than to say that every decision that gets made by this office is in the interest of advancing the quality of the product. Specifically, because I know the complaints you're referring to, the mounds moved back because the pitching was too hard and there's been little in the way of compliance regarding the speed rule. And the scuffing has been allowed because some people asked for it and it balances out the mound moving back. If it was totally up to me the mounds would be back further. I want more offense. I'd love for people to abide by the speed rules. That's a battle I'm tired of fighting, so we're going with this approach. 

Q: Are there any set plans you can share yet for the 20th tournament, in 2026? Typically we've seen some sort of extra acknowledgement of milestone tournaments

A: That I can share yet, no. But we have had discussions for sure. We'd love collaboration from teams and older players. We'd love to bring back some guys who haven't been around in a while and do something there. But specific details I cannot share yet no.

Q: Lastly, any specific goals or agendas you hope to accomplish in this year's tournament?

A: Just to go off successfully as always. No one get hurt, no one leave feeling legitimately cheated. If we can accomplish those things, and keep people coming back, that's a perfect day to me. I've said for a long time, we cannot and will not have this tournament if people do not participate. The people are the life blood of this thing, always have been, always will be. As long as they show up, we'll have it.