JEFF RONCHETTI, OWNER, CHAIRMAN AND CAPTAIN OF GOONDINGOS
Q: How do you feel about your teams chances?
"First and foremost, I always look forward to this time giving me a platform to address the entire league. As usual, we feel great about our chances. The word "humble" is not in our vocabulary. If Terrell Owens were a wiffleball team, he'd be the Goondingos. We're confident in our abilities, we state it loudly, and year in year out, we know we're the most important match up for most teams in the league. We see it every year-- pretty much every team throws their ace against us. These teams know that fumbling a game to the Goondingos can make or break their tournament, and not just that, but as seen in 2023, if you let us get hot, we will roll our way into the championship. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, we take it as a sign of respect that these bozos are aware that they can't let us heat up, but we know if we don't show up with our A game, it may be a long day.
The most worrisome thing for me, as a player, GM, and coach, is the deteriorating knee of top prospect 1pac O'Hennessy. You hate to see a guy who should be entering his prime struggle through multiple years of surgeries and rehab to get himself on the field. The past two years, the impact of the surgeries and injuries was clear, with back to back down years at the plate in both average and power, and no attempt from him to even set foot on the mound either year. In the field, it's become even uglier, famously overthrowing 6'8" and 7'2" wingspan perennial gold glover & all-star Dustin Graiff on a routine 4-6-3 double play last year. On top of this, his once notoriously aggressive baserunning has been relegated to jogging the bags. What was once a 5 tool stud prospect has become a shell of himself, and the potential of this happening is something our organization has been coming to grips with for a few years now. Hitting coach Marky Smalls has tirelessly worked with him to transition into a pure power bat for this year, to try and prevent him from having to leg out any balls in play and further damage his knee. We're projecting him to bat about .200-.250 this year, but also expect this lower average to come with at least 4 HR's and 6 RBIs, and he also may have to take over for switch hitting catcher P-Money "Jorge Posada" Gervasio behind the plate if the knee won't allow him to take the field."
Q: What are you looking forward to most?
"As an organization, we pride ourselves on finding ways to bother Commissioner Alfred Etter on tournament day, so if we had to pick one thing, it would likely be that. Whether it's arguing with him about rules that have existed for 10+ years, bringing a beer pong table onto the field in a game where the Flapacs need us to lose by no more than 15 runs to make the playoffs and making them sweat it, hosting a meatball fest, or showing up an hour late, we always do our best to make the day as difficult as possible for him.
If we had to choose one thing, totally unrelated to bothering Al, it would absolutely be beer consumption and beer showers. Nothing feels better than getting a lukewarm beer with cigarette ash thrown directly into your eyes when crossing home plate on a brisk 105 degree day."
Q: What's your key to winning?
"Our key to winning is the vibes we bring to the tournament. Take a look around on Saturday, you'll see a lot of sober & pissed off 30+ year old men who think they're playing for a shot at an MLB roster spot if they put up good enough numbers. The Goondingos have decided to zig when the rest of the league zag'd, we show up, kill a keg, and play some ball. The vibes are immaculate, and sometimes we hit the perfect level of drunk to actually win some games. We've discovered that we cannot play at all between the BAC ranges of 0.00-0.31. Once 0.32 is eclipsed, the sweet spot is open; the biggest issue is how long it stays open. We've also discovered that once BAC eclipses 0.47, we can no longer competently play. So generally our strategy is to get tewhere between 8:00-11:00am with the BAC sitting right at the precipice of greatness, a cool 0.30-0.31 right before our first game."
AL ETTER, PRESIDENT & GENERAL MANAGER OF FLAPACAMINGOS
"We have nothing but the highest expectations as always; and our ability to maintain the standard is paramount to the fabric of our organization. That being said, we're not fools. We know we're not at 100% right now from a standpoint of availability or health. Way we see it, our backs are against the wall, so why not play loose and have some fun with it. We don't have our main horse(s) like normal, so some other guys are going to have to step up and im excited to see that. Maybe we crack a few beers and team up with the Goondingos for another public meth orgy. Idk, we're gonna have to think outside the box it seems, so let's go nuts with it"
ALLEN CRUZ, PRESIDENT & GENERAL MANAGER OF IRONBALLS
"Let me start off by saying what an epic tournament we get to compete in every summer. Nothing we look forward to more than grilling burgers and glizzy goblins whilst hitting a shit ton of dingers. We've come up short past few years but much of the same squad if not all are back and we're not going away any time soon. Back to back years we're being put to the test against the best of the best. These games will have a playoff atmosphere no doubt but we live for the challenge and welcome it gladly. The table may very well come down to run differential and H2H but why not us? 2-2, scratching and clawing but into the playoffs yet again, book it danno."
ROCCO LOMBARDO: CAPO, BARONE SANITATION: CHAIRMAN & PRESIDENT OF GOODFELLAS
"How many times we gotta tell you to not put too many onions in the sauce?"
TIM DURANTE, OWNER, PRESIDENT & CAPTAIN OF PA PORK MISSILES
"We feel pretty good about what we have this year. We're obviously going to miss Dano (Volpe), but the addition of Brandon Sturgis is big for us. Not sure why he played under a different name two years ago and obviously that caused some confusion paperwork wise for the league office, but glad we got that sorted out and he'll be a part of our squad. Just gotta take it one game at a time and put our best foot forward and whatever other cliche's you guys wanna throw in there ok see ya."
TAYLOR CHELI, OWNER & GENERAL MANAGER OF BERT BRIGADE
"Just because we won last year doesn’t mean we’re satisfied. If anything, we’re hungrier"
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